Top 5 Random Rolla Things

It's good to visit your hometown every so often. Equal parts nostalgia and amusement help make those visits magical.

Last weekend, Kenan and I made our way to Rolla, Mo. for our 15-year class reunion. During our short stay, some seriously random events happened. I'll share them with you.

5. Bar fight: After a bite to eat at Alex's and a quarter of Rolla High football, we met up with our classmates at Public House in downtown Rolla. From there, we followed as the class went to another downtown establishment. 

I'm not going to mention the name of the pub (it wasn't Public House), but as we walked in two extremely intoxicated young men were saying some not so nice things to each other. Someone yelled, "They're gonna fight!" Then they went outside.

This sort of thing is amusing when you're in your 20s. At 33, my first thought was, "I really don't want to get shot or stabbed. My wife would be so mad." 

4. Shooting range: Before heading back on Saturday, we joined friend and fellow class of 2000 grad, Todd, for a session at a backwoods shooting range in the Newburg area. Judging by Todd's gun collection, I'm convinced he's working on a career as a Hollywood weapons outfitter.

Agent Smith, I mean, Todd, takes aim with a .50 caliber Desert Eagle. 

And, yet, thanks to Todd's fascination with exotic weaponry, we were able to sling some lead downrange from guns that most people have never even seen in person. A .50 caliber Desert Eagle, a 44 magnum Raging Bull, a .45 ACP KRISS Vector...pure tough-guy coolness.

Kenan decided to do a cool-guy move and flop the cylinder shut with one hand. We laughed at him, and then he laughed at himself. 

3. John Deere theft: At some point on Friday evening, we came across a group of drunks walking around downtown. One made a fascinating spectacle of trying to open the door of a John Deere backhoe that was parked in a lot as part of an ongoing construction project.

"Oh man, they locked it!" he exclaimed. Yes, shocking that they'd lock a $200,000+ piece of construction equipment. And, yet, if they hadn't, how long until the Rolla Police Department noticed a drunken man cruising down Pine Street in a backhoe? Someone did that man a tremendous favor by locking the cab. Judging by his "Ditch Witch" hat, I'm certain he would have made good on his drunken boast of boosting the backhoe.

2. Shirtless shenanigans: So, at the same place we nearly witnessed a fight, just 15 minutes later a young man pulled off his shirt and belly flopped on a table, where he commenced to drink (through a straw) a cup of something. As he lay there, someone smacked his backside, whereupon he started humping the table.

Since when is this a thing? And by that, I mean since when have young people started flopping on tables in an elaborate show of drinking a mixed drink via a straw? It seems neither manly nor impressive. Just weird.

1. 50 packets of sauce: Once Kenan and I wrapped up our night, we, like a lot of other people, headed for the Taco Bell drive through. At the window, they asked if we wanted sauce. Kenan said, yeah, a lot of mild sauce. The lady responded, "What numerical value would correspond with 'a lot' of sauce?"

Who says something like that? Without missing a beat, Kenan said, "50." And, without missing another beat, the lady proceeded to count out 50 mild sauce packets and place them in a separate bag. Who does that?!! 

Top 5 Rolla Restaurants

If you're looking for the finest French cuisine, Rolla is not the place for you. But, it does have its share of hometown favorites.

These are the places local folks like to eat. So, if you're on I-44 looking for a place to grab some grub, venture a little further into my hometown and give one of these places a try.

Honorable Mention: Before we dig into my top 5 Rolla Restaurants, I have to give an honorable mention to Alex's Pizza Palace. I love Alex's, just not as much as the other pizza joint that made my top 5 list. It's not a ding on Alex's, just an indication of how much I love the other place.

Alex's has great ambiance. Growing up, they had a cool table-top arcade game in the front of the restaurant. They're very group- and kid-friendly. Also, they have an extensive menu that includes Greek fare you can't get anywhere else in Rolla.

What to order: I prefer the house special pizza, which features beef instead of sausage. Their cheese balls are also excellent. And, get a Greek salad.

5. Matt's Steakhouse: Before Matt's, there was the 10th Street Dinner House. It was popular. So popular, they built a larger building located along I-44. The popularity is well-deserved. The steaks are amazing, as are the burgers. The unlimited salad and breadsticks is the Olive Garden concept done better. Also, they used to have an excellent broccoli salad. I don't see it on the menu, but that thing was amazing.

What to order: I'm partial to the good-old fashioned cheeseburger at Matt's. Though, my mom loves the steak tips, which are sauteed with bell peppers, mushrooms and onions, then topped with provolone cheese.

4. A Slice of Pie: If you live in Rolla and you don't know about A Slice of Pie, extend your arms, push that rock with all of your might and kindly slide out from under it. In browsing their website, I see they officially became a business in 1986. I didn't realize I pre-dated the Slice by four years. Crazy.

Here's the thing. If you're ever tasked with bringing a dessert to a family function, you can't go wrong with one of these pies. In fact, people will probably thank you for bringing A Slice of Pie, rather than saddling them with another dump cake.

What to order: Most pie lovers will tell you to get the apple or coconut cream. Those are solid choices. But, my favorite is the Tollhouse. It's like the biggest, most delicious chocolate chip cookie you've ever eaten. Lastly, if you really want to test your sweetness limit, go for the French silk.

3. Maid-Rite: One thing I love about Maid-Rite (and correct me if this has changed) -- everything is a la carte. It's very old fashioned. There are no value meals. They write your order on a ticket and tear off the voucher at the bottom.

Also, the burgers are unlike anything I've come across since. The ground beef is loose, sort of like a sloppy joe without the sauce. They're amazing. I'm not even sure why. Maybe it's their secret seasoning. Or, perhaps it's some sort of Rolla mysticism. I don't know. Veterans know that once you unwrap a Maid-Rite, you give it a solid squish to flatten it out and keep the meat together for easier consumption. (Disclaimer: I realize that Maid-Rite is a chain. But, it's a very small chain.)

What to order: Cheese-Rite with mayo, pickle and onion, a side of fries and a Heath bar concrete. Or, you can change up the ice cream and go with a hot fudge sundae in a to-go cup (so you can mix the fudge in more easily).

2. Lucky House: For years, the building at 1119 Kingshighway was a revolving door. Restaurants would come and go, never staying for more than a year. That changed in the mid-1990s when Lucky House moved in.

Lucky House serves Chinese food of the style that you find in Springfield, Mo. Here's what I mean. For most Chinese restaurants, with cashew chicken (or chicken with cashew nuts) the chicken is lightly fried, but not battered, and served with a vegetables. Lucky House batters and deep fries their chicken, and the only vegetable you'll find is a sprinkle of diced green onion over the top. It's awesome.

What to order: Cashew chicken with double fried rice, skip the spring roll. You can go all-white meat if you want. I don't. Their chicken fried rice is good too. It's heavy on garlic though. You've been warned.

1. Pryor's Fresh Pizza: For me, this is the pinnacle of pizza excellence...in the entire world. From the outside, it's not much. The proverbial hole in the wall. Dine in and you'll be served on stainless steel plates that look like they have knife marks from the 1800s. (I just noticed via their Facebook page, they actually sold a handful of these plates, which technically date back to the 1960s.)

Pryor's does not deliver. They don't do fancy salads. They don't do calzones. They just do really freaking good pizza.

The pizza is thin crust. And, it's greasy. They cut it in squares. I think they have two big secrets. First is the dough. I'm not sure what they do, but it's amazing. The second is the oven. It has to be as old as the plates. Somehow, the combination of the two produces a perfect crust along with an excellent amount of grease. It's a culinary delight.

What to order: Ummm...pizza. Specifically, their beef pizza is the best. My second choice is their pepperoni. My grandparents love their onion pizza.

Those are my top picks. There are several restaurants that have since closed their doors, like Johnny's and Laposada, that would have made this list. I'm working on a separate posting that's an ode to these fallen eateries. Speaking of which, I've got room for a couple more. My memory isn't what it used to be. If you have an idea for awesome Rolla restaurant that's since been shuttered, let me know in the comment section.