Saturday, March 7, 2015

Top 5 Annoying Gym Habits

I love people watching. The airport is a longtime favorite venue. However, the gym is a great second.

Here are my Top 5 annoying gym habits. All of these are based on real-life examples. If you do one of these, don't feel bad -- unless it's number five. Then you should feel really bad about yourself.

1. Gym selfie: I don't know what's worse: the dude who spends five minutes unabashedly flexing in the mirror or the guy you walk in on in the locker room and he quickly puts his phone away like he wasn't taking a selfie. I want to laugh at the first guy. But I don't because he is a 300-lb muscle-bound gorilla. As for the second guy, it's just so awkward. He glances up and quickly pulls the phone down like he was texting someone. You feel so dirty for catching him in the throes of his unbridled narcissism.

2. Gallon o' water: Why do people carry a gallon jug of water around the gym? Most often, the offense is committed by weight lifters. I'm sorry, but even an hour of weight lifting shouldn't require an entire gallon of hydration. Am I missing the point? Does it help reduce cramping? Still, why not store the gallon of water in your locker and carry around a water bottle? That's only four refills on a 32-ounce Nalgene bottle.

Got my supplies for leg month. Better take all this, just in case I'm trapped there.

Even more suspicious, many of these muscle bound nuts leave the gym with water still in the jug!! Why did you cart in 128 ounces of water only to carry 64 back out the door? Is lifting the gallon of water part of the workout?

3. 10 lbs of protein: These are probably the same people with the gallon jug of water. They show up at the gym with their entire 10-pound bottle of muscle powder. Why? Are you worried that you might get snowed in and have to spend the next month lifting? "Better bring the whole thing of whey protein, just in case, bro. Might need to drink like 28 emergency protein shakes."

4. Locker room smells: There's nothing worse than walking into the locker room and smelling the unmistakable scent of a fresh number two. The question is why are folks waiting until they get to the gym to do their business.

Right up there with locker room poo is locker room marijuana smell. It seems some guys like to smoke weed (a lot of weed from the smell of it) and then head to the gym. Unfortunately, they don't shower or change clothes beforehand. So, they show up smelling like a Cheech and Chong movie. The absolute worst is when these two smells combine. It smells like poop with an extra skunk topping.

5. Questionable attire: This one is inexcusable. There are mirrors covering every wall in the gym. Man in the white shorts -- how have you not noticed that your shorts are see through when they get sweaty? And, why are you wearing zebra print underwear?

My personal favorite comes from an older gent who used to frequent the gym. Before leaving his house, he would use a liberal amount of "bald spray." You know, the stuff that's basically spray paint for your head. Then, he would get sweaty and black paint would streak down his head and stain his shirt. How are you not noticing that?!!!

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