Saturday, February 28, 2015

Top 5 Times My Kids Made Me Look Like an Idiot

Welcome to Josh's Top 5. It's a blog dedicated to ranking the important things in life -- like the top 5 annoying gym habits or my top 5 Sublime songs.

Why a top 5 list? Because, people love ranked lists and I'm too lazy to do a top 10 list. But, also, I don't want to appear extremely lazy by pushing out a top 3 list each week. And, yes, the goal is to have a new top 5 list each week. Though, I'm sure by the end of the year we'll have a "top 5 times I didn't update this blog for an extended period of time" blog.

Today, I bring you the top 5 times my kids made me look like an idiot. Somehow, kids are really good at making parents look like fools.

Hey dad. Look at how cute we are. We promise to not make you look like a complete fool. Just kidding. Oh, and it will probably get worse as you get older.

My dad still tells the story of the time I walked up and punched him in church to get his attention. My blows would usually glance off his leg. This one landed squarely in his sensitive man area. He was not amused.

Without further ado, here are the top 5 times my kids have made me look like a moron.

1. Diaper changes: This one gets almost every dad. You start changing diapers, and you eventually get the hang of it. Early on, you learn a sense of urgency is needed when swapping diapers. Then, one day you get lackadaisical. You pull off the old diaper and start taking your time. BOOM! If it's a girl, everything just got wet. If it's a boy, you're wet. Or worse...

2. Pack-and-play: These little parental Rubik's cubes are the worst. For some odd reason, these feats of engineering require a specific set of steps that must be precisely followed for assembly and dis-assembly. Don't follow the steps correctly, and you're left staring at a pack-and-play that looks slightly deflated.

After about six months, you get the procedure down pat. You're feeling good. Then grandma says, "Oh, don't bring your pack and play this weekend. You can just use your sister's." It's a different brand, and you're starting from square one. People are staring while you struggle and saying things like, "I thought you have one of these." Then you get defensive and spout off, "It's a different brand!"

3. Public discipline: It's the worst. You're at the store; and the kid is misbehaving. Stop there and just accept the fact that you've entered a catch 22 scenario. No matter what you do, half the onlookers will think you're being an aggressive monster. The other half are thinking, "Someone needs to whip that kid's butt."

Then your kid takes off running. And the bad situation turns worse. What do you do? Take off running after him? Act casual and hope he comes back? If my latent jedi powers decide to finally manifest, I hope it's before this happens again.

4. Sleeping: The post-crib stage sucks. Linus was terrific in a crib. We'd lay him down and he'd just go to sleep. The freedom of a big-boy bed proved too much for him. I made outrageous claims like, "He will sleep in his own bed." That was a year ago. Most nights I remember that comment as I fall asleep in his big-boy bed while he snuggles up next to mom. Our pediatrician once made the comment, "Peace at all cost." So true.

5. Things they say: Linus has taken to saying some hilarious things as late. Unfortunately, I'm often made to be a fool in the process. Case in point: a few weeks ago, he was at his cousins' house. They commented that they needed to go feed the guinea pig. Linus remarked, "Oh, dad eats like a pig."

A month ago, we went to pick him up from Sunday School. The teacher told us how much he loved the activity. They had to dress a little man in a uniform. Then, the teacher looked at me and said, "Oh, are you a police officer?" Well, he dressed his character as a cop and told everyone that his dad was a police officer. What?!

My new career according to Linus.

My personal favorite came last week. He's learning to go to the bathroom by himself. As he stood in front of the toilet, I went in to check on him. He viewed this as an invasion of privacy. "Get out of here dad, or I'm going to pee on you." Excuse me. "I'm going to pee on your shirt!" I left, doubled over with laughter.

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